Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
