so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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