he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
