you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize