Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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