Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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