chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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