He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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