I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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