If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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