So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
