Buhtt sex?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
