Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
