nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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