I could have mohawked her pubes.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
