Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Your cock deserves a montage
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
