The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
