Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
