I just cut my nipple shaving
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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