did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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