My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize