just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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