Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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