..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
