i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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