i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
