i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
