I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
