I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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