I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
