i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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