Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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