I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
this will be a night to untag.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
