i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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