walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
