I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
