sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
