we have pet lesbian snakes
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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