this boner is exhausting
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
