she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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