As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
