i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
