i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize