Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
