Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
