I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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