The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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