From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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