Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Randomize
