Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
