We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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