Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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