I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
