i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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