Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
