Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
