This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize