my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
