A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
