hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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