Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
