took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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