saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
