Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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