He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
